How do I show trust? (S. 83-84)

What can you do to make another person trust you? At first glance, trust appears to be a state that can’t be brought about actively. Whether another person trusts you is something you can’t in.uence or control. Reliability, consistency, predictability, keeping promises, fairness, loyalty, honesty, discretion, credibility: these are certainly important in terms of maintaining trust. But what causes trust to arise?

Myth: Trust-building measures

If someone refuses to trust you, you have no choice but to accept it. All the same, the literature is full of suggestions about what a manager can do to create trust. Most of the trust-building measures I have come across are well meant, but weak and ineffective. Some are trite and futile. They all ignore the hierarchical conditions under which they are supposed to be effective. Let’s have a look at some of them so that you don’t stumble into a trap, albeit with the best intentions.

Asking for trust

When we run out of arguments, when we can’t convince people, when we decide that something mustn’t be spoken about in public, we ask for trust. But does the person who asks for trust earn it? Doesn’t asking for trust invite the very thing that trust is supposed to overcome, namely mistrust? Someone who asks for something usually wants to sell something, he accentuates the positive and plays down the negative. We sense we aren’t getting the whole truth. What we took for granted is undermined by the imploring speech. When trust wanes, people sometimes react by making an appeal that actually drives away the very thing they are advocating. Someone who exposed a member of staff yesterday won’t succeed in recreating a trusting relationship tomorrow even if he asks for trust.

When mistrust has arisen, there will be reasons. Simply saying "Trust me" doesn’t deal with these reasons, it may even cause resistance. It ignores the reasons and exploits the positive associations of trust to push the sceptical party into the territory of moral bankruptcy. Someone who says "Trust me" is effectively declaring trust to be a debt the other person owes them. The subtext is: "…if you don’t trust me, there’s something wrong with you." In fact, when people are told "Trust me" they often feel ashamed or guilty if they don’t manage to trust. When we don’t trust, we are implicitly accused of not having the right attitude.

People tell us what we should feel, but what we really feel is that there are reasons for our distrust. Too little is offered, too much is demanded. "Trust me" is a highly manipulative communication technique. Some success trainers present themselves as role models: "Look at me! I’ve done it!" Some managers deal with critical questions by saying "I can’t talk about it at the moment. I have to ask you to trust me." Often this is a pretext to avoid having to explain motives and actions or to face legitimate arguments. People don’t like being criticized. If the other person still insists on pursuing their question, their lack of trust can be highlighted, which effectively knocks them off their base of moral decency. Rhetoric is used to depict the legitimate wish to understand as morally deplorable. Trust can be used as a protective weapon: "You are a bad person if you don’t trust me."